53 Years

A couple years ago I turned 50. As my birthday approached, I would often find myself in tears. Not because of the number of candles on the cake, but because of the number of lost years behind what the candles represent. I felt like I was a complete failure.

Growing up, I had my life all planned out. I knew exactly where I was going and how I was going to get there. And then, life happened. I found out I had a debilitating invisible illness when, for years, I was told it was all in my head. I attempted to get a college education on 3 separate occasions and had to withdraw because of illness. I had multiple surgeries and a complete hysterectomy at 27. My mental health crashed shortly thereafter. I dealt with an addiction to opioids. Had 3 mental health hospitalization, 2 of them involuntary. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and social anxiety disorder.

While I struggled with physical and mental illness, I watched my siblings serve church missions, attend college, and graduate. I watched them begin careers while I felt stuck and continually struggling. I felt like I didn’t measure up.

What I didn’t realize at the time was my education was coming in a nonconventional way.

I never thought I would look back with gratitude for my challenges. I thought they were something I would have to keep hidden from the world. I didn’t think they were teaching me anything. I thought I would always feel broken. I didn’t realize that by living I was learning.

I have spent the last years working with my therapist to process the thoughts and feelings surrounding my 50th birthday. I had to make peace with my broken pieces. I had to open the door on trauma in order to let the light back in and, in doing so, I have realized that everything I have been through is a greater education than I could have received inside a classroom.

I no longer look back with regret. I look back with gratitude and grace. If I continually stare at the past, I miss the bright future before me.

If you are 19, 25, 33, 47, 50, and any age above or between, and not where you want to be in life, there is still time to become who you want to be.

Tomorrow I will be 53 and I am not sad about it. I am excited at what the future holds. I am grateful for the experiences that have made me who I am today. I am grateful to be alive. I am full of hope and I am happy. The best part about turning 53 is that I am alive to blow out the candles on my birthday cake.

You don’t need a college degree or letters behind your name to be successful.

You don’t need a scholarship to the best college to be successful.

Your worth is not tied to prestige.

Your worth is not tied to productivity.

Your worth is not tied to a diagnosis.

If you are struggling with mental or physical illness, it can get better. I you are in a dark place and thinking the light inside will never come back, I am here to tell you, it does, it can, it will. You are so much more than a diagnosis.

Sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we imagine, and more often than not, it turns out better than we ever could have imagined