Hell in the Hallway

“When one door closes, another one opens, but it can be hell in the hallway.” unknown

"The hallway is that place between jobs, between relationships, after a death or divorce—whenever life as you know it has changed, and you don’t know what’s coming next.

No matter how difficult or painful, the hallway can be a place of tremendous inner growth and renewal." - Ellen Debenport

After my hysterectomy, a door closed for me. I was looking forward to the door closing, but didn’t realize hell would be in the hallway waiting before the other door could open. My mental health dropped so low I didn’t think I would find my way out. The hallway was dark, so dark I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. It felt like arms were coming from the walls, trying to suck me into the darkness in hopes I would never find my way out. I was suffocating.

When my mental health was at its worst, mental illness wasn’t talked about. It was kept quiet and hidden, as if it was something to be ashamed of. The thought of having a mental illness terrified me. Much like Boo Radley. Boo was someone to be feared until you sat down and talked to him.

My greatest gift as I battled mental illness was the people that stood with me in the dark and helped lead me towards the light. If you have a loved one sitting in the darkness of depression, sit with them in the darkness. Leave the toxic positivity at home. When people would tell me to look on the bright side, how much I had to be grateful for, and everything happens for a reason, it made it worse. I needed someone to come all the way in and sit all the way down beside me. I had a hard time talking about my thoughts because I was ashamed of them. I thought people would think worse of me if they knew the darkness I felt inside. But, the light couldn’t come back on until I started talking about the darkness.

The hallway wouldn’t be so dark if people felt safe opening up about their mental health. If friends and family tried to understand rather than judge. No one chooses to have a mental illness. Stigma and shame are deadly. Sometimes, the things we are afraid to talk about are the very things that need the most sunlight. By talking openly about our mental health, we can help bring light into the hallway and make it easier for others to find the doorway out.

If you are in the hallway and don’t think you will find a way out. I can testify to the magic that can happen in the darkness. The light can flicker and the doorknob can become visible. I had to search for it and I found it. I know you can too. If you are without hope, hold on to mine. I was where you are and I know you can come out of the dark and find the light.

Some of the most amazing people I know have a mental illness. In some ways, I look at it as a superpower. You see the world differently. You see the pain in other people’s eyes and recognize it because you have seen it in your own eyes. You see trauma behind addiction. You see anxiety behind someone that can’t relax. You see depression behind canceled plans and unreturned phone calls. Be someone's safe person.