There was a time

There was a time when I didn’t like any part of myself.

There was a time when the world was gray and nothing made sense.

There was a time when getting out of bed felt like climbing a mountain.

There was a time when I didn’t want to live to see tomorrow.

There was a time when I felt like I was wearing cement shoes while walking through quicksand.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I knew that what I was feeling wasn’t normal.

It didn’t happen overnight. I crept in slowly until it consumed me and I couldn’t escape it, no matter what I did.

People would tell me to get some fresh air, go for a walk and shake it off. To just snap out of it. To look at what I had to be grateful for. I wish I could just snap out of it. I wish gratitude would be enough to will it away. I felt like a burden to everyone around me. I felt like death was the only way to feel better because I was living in hell.

I had Major Depressive Disorder. A walk would not fix what I was facing. Looking for the good and counting blessings wasn’t what would make me feel better. I needed medication. I needed hospitalization. I needed therapy and support. I needed people that would try to understand what was happening and love me through the obstacles ahead. The thing about Major Depressive Disorder, and many other mental illness diagnoses, is you feel unloveable. You feel you have no worth. You feel like no one would care if you disappeared.

Depression is not sadness. It’s not weakness, caused by a lack of faith, or not having hope. Depression can’t be walked or prayed away. It can’t be cured by reading your scriptures or going to church. Depression is a serious medical condition. Mental Illness should be treated no different than physical illness, because, as someone who has experienced both, there is no difference.

I didn’t think I could ever get out of that dark place, feel happiness again, or get my life back. I didn’t think the world would ever again be filled with color.

If you are in a dark place, the light can come back on. You can feel happiness again. The world can become colorful. I came back from a very dark place. I know how hard it can be and I know how intrusive the thoughts can become. I understand the pain and pleading. I understand the weeping and wailing. I understand the need for it all to end. I see you. I once was you.

I am a vigorous advocate for promoting change in the way we talk about mental health. It is wise to learn about mental illness and to shift out of the stigmas attached and develop understanding and compassion for those of us who live with a mental illness. Be a light to those in the dark. Be safe and understanding. Be non-judgmental and kind. The world needs more compassion.